What am I doing here?

Where am I?

Who am I?

I feel like there’s more to living that I seem to be missing.

I’ve been here and done that.

Hit this and tapped that.

But still I’m still left wondering what I’m missing.

Within 3 years:

I’ve performed with amazing musicians and recorded in historical studios.

Played to crowds in Cairo, packed halls in Los Angeles, teased swank clubs in Hollywood and fed music to the filthy rich in Beverly HIlls. 

Put together bands,  whipped out bass lines for TV shows and even improvised with grammy award winning pianists.

Nonetheless, I feel half full.

I don’t play bass half as much as I did when I was in St. Louis or even in Osaka.

My high point must’ve been 2008.  Even though I went full time professional musician in 2009….

Do I need a change of scenery?
Do I need a 9 to 5?
Do I need to join a church?
Do I need to chant in a group?

Possibly…

Should I be doing Yoga by the beach?
Should I be dropping large sums of money on raw produce?
Should I be meditating at a retreat in Santa Barbara?
Should I be hiking across mountains in Malibu?

Maybe, but not necessarily…

Are all my nights spent on the phone with a girl who constantly asks me “Why aren’t you here?”

Yes.

Did I feel secure and confident when I was with her last April?

Yeah..kinda. 

What is that?

I’m not supposed to think about being in love or wondering what it is to dig roots or start a family… I’m only thirty…I’m only thirty…I’m…THIRTY.

I’ve lived for 5 years + a quarter century. 

In all this time and all this space, I have never felt as insecure and unsure of myself as I do in this city.  I have never doubted my ability as a musician or an artists as much as I have in this city. 

I miss having a root.
I miss having a home base.
I miss the community that I was able to belong to in Osaka, in St. Louis and oddly enough in Tokyo. 

My friends are spread out across the globe,
Boston
Chicago
New York
St. Louis
San Francisco
San Diego
Portland
Melbourne
Osaka
Tokyo
Shanghai
Bordeaux
Taipei
London
Brussels

Where do I go?

Friends?

Family?

or

Back to school?

or

should I follow my heart?




Honestly




It scares me a little.     


I’ve never really felt like






this.

I guess it’s ok to feel in love…